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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and inlarge"Kegs."
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like--minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?'? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.
The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to drunks by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.
The beer scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'.
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries). Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.
1 Beer never laughs in pity at you wearing T-shirts with "5 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than A Woman"
2 Nobody will think you a damned liar when you say that you have had a few beers in your life.
3 Beer does not back off from you repulsed, when you want to pick it up.
4 Beer does not yawn and look away disinterested while you reel off facts about why it is better than women.
5 Beers do not walk past you every single day ignoring you, leaving you wondering if you will ever get to know what they taste like.
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.” The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups, take your wife out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. “Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”
Cheers!
BEER AND SEX
A
guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts
small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her
name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said
looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?"
she asked.
"Beersex."
SIGNS YOU MAY BE DRINKING TOO MUCH
1.
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off
the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet
seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food
group.
8. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking
problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in
the bar.
12. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger,
screw dinner!
14. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
15. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
Alcohol, and Women.
19. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's
cat more and more attractive.
20. Roseanne looks good.
21. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23. Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when
they walk past you.
24."I'm as jober as a sudge."
25. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
