Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Beer, The Bitter, and The Lager.
For ever and ever.


Office Prayer

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also,
Help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.


Class Reunions

In place of all the pig tails, cowlicks and braces,
      I see grey hairs, balding, and wrinkled faces.
      Skin tight clothing, has been replaced with elastic,
      And I maybe wrong, but "Have some of you had Plastic?
      Hot rod sports cars, with big engines that ran,
      have now been replaced with slow mini vans.
      Our biggest fear. was who to take to the prom,
      Now were wondering who's gonna care for mom!
      Getting caught outside with out a hall pass,
      has been replaced, with worries over last night's gas
      Who's going to win, next Friday night's game,
      Well let's face for men some things never change!
      We were just going to die, without a class ring!
      God! It's been years since I've seen that old thing!
      Sneaking a smoke in the old bathroom stall,
      is not nearly as fun as I used to recall.
      But being back together if just for this night,
      Has made all these memories seem so shiny and bright.
      So tonight we'll have fun and lie about our youth.
      After all at our age who'll remember the truth.


HAZEL 

                                         Hazel became a bartender 
                                        Many a drink does she render 
                                But, be patient, ask nice for your “fizzie” 
                            Or she’ll say, “Can’t you see that I’m busy”? 

                                       If Hazel could have but one wish, 
                                        She’d set in a boat and just fish 
                                            On a lake she would float 
                                              And while in the boat, 
                                     She’d dream of her catch on a dish. 

                                    Hazel just loves to play cards Poker, 
                                         With or without that old joker 
                                             She’ll play out the hand 
                                           She’ll fold or she’ll stand 
                                               And when done, say 
                                            “Deal the damn cards”. 

                      Pat Sigo, written 6/27/96 For Hazel’s Birthday, July 1, 1996 
 


                                                Roses are red,
                                     Violets are blue.
                                      Sugar is sweet,
                                      And so are you.
                                But the roses are wilting,
                                   The violets are dead.
                                 The sugar bowl's empty,
                                     Just like your head.

Temperance 

                               For my mother, a glass of white wine is enough
                                 For Dad, any less than a sixpack’s a sin
                              For my sister, a fifth of peach schnapps is the stuff
                                  For our brother, several gallons of gin.
                                 But me, I’ve turned out a teetotaling guy 
                                  I keep pure in thought, word and deed 
                               It’s not booze, but life which gives me my high 
                                    That and a great stash of weed. 
 


                                    Sotally Tober 

                             Starkle starkle little twink
                               who the heck you are I think 
                               I'm not under what you call 
                                the alcofluence of incohol 
                               I'm just a little slort of sheep
                              I'm not drunk like tinkle peep 
                               I don't know who is me yet 
                         but the drunker I stand here the longer I get 
                          Just give me one more drink to fill me cup
                           'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up. 
 


                     A Drinking Song

                                 William Butler Yeats

                              Wine comes in at the mouth
                              And love comes in at the eye;
                              That's all we shall know for truth
                              Before we grow old and die.
                              I lift the glass to my mouth,
                              I look at you, and I sigh.


A fart is a musical instrument.
It cums from the island of bum,
It travels down the valley of trouser-leg,
Whilst making a musical hum. 


 

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, 
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. 
All the king's horses, 
And all the king's men,
Said, `Scrambled eggs for dinner again!'
 

Brown Sugar
(Jagger/Richards) 

 
 

Gold Coast slaveship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver know he's doin' alright
Hear him whip the women just around midnight 

Brown sugar, how come you taste so good
Brown sugar, just like a young girl should 

Drums beating, cold English blood runs hot
Lady of the house wond'rin where it's gonna stop
House boy knows that he's doin' alright
You should a heard him just around midnight 

Brown sugar, how come you taste so good
Brown sugar, just like a young girl should 

Brown sugar, how come you taste so good
Brown sugar, just like a black girl should 

I bet your mama was a Tent Show queen
and all her boyfriends were sweet sixteen
I'm no school boy but I know what I like
You should have heard me just around midnight 

Brown sugar, how come you taste so good
Brown sugar, just like a young girl should 

I said yeah, I said yeah, I said yeah, I said oh
just like a black girl should